Since most of what I have written so far is to examine the way we're using definitions, I thought it was time to discuss another interesting modern phenomenon: the definition of friendship.
For the past 5 years I have noticed an incredibly high level of men requesting to be my "friend". Since I have always had a lot of male friends, I never used to consider this an issue until recently.
Back to my personal experience, when I was growing up, I was the girl that chased all the boys around in the JK school yard trying to kiss boys. I did not exactly know what I was actually doing but this was me just ...chasing boys. It did not really seem like a big deal. I was into sports. I liked running around. I had ambition and motivation and if I liked you, I chased you! And this sort of philosophy continued for most of my school days. I had no problem calling someone and hanging out, and I did. Aside from going in depth (here) on my own psychological make up, I will say that around the age 17, I made some personal transformations and came up with the philosophy of trying to improve my friendships and relationships. As an insular person, I never really cared much for keeping in touch with friends and then realized at one point that I lacked relationship building skills, or maintaining skills. I would often drift off into my own space and forget about people, and then realize years had gone by and I no longer knew where they were.
In this invested interest to re-examine how I "managed" my friendships, I began making closer friends, with girls, and boys; women and men. (It wasn't that the skills weren't there I just did not use them).
Unbeknownst to myself, in regard to "romantic" relationships, although I had many crushes on boys back then, in order to be in a "relationship" or have a "boyfriend" I unconsciously made the decision that "friendship" had to be first. At this point, I started what was to become a stream of monogamous thoughtful relationships, with "friends".
In general, I did not really consider anyone worthy of "moving into a relationship" unless we were friends first, and that, historically, was about 2 years worth of trust building. Many of these relationships were wonderful and loving. The only thing that I realized after about 6 years of doing this style of "relationship" making was that we never dated and romance was lacking. (To clarify: although I think the philosophy was a great idea, I never really considered the whole idea of "chemistry" being there initially as important, nor did I think that "romancing" was necessary. What was more important to me at the time were practical elements, i.e., did we get along and were they trustworthy). I never really had any problem, except for the magnificent destroying power of .....hormones.
Skipping about another 8 years, it wasn't until I met someone that I had a high level of "chemistry" with that I realized the value in it. (Of course, I still have doubts as to its high importance and relevance, i.e., I think it can also be developed over time).
You may think it's self indulgent to go on this historical tangent about myself but the reason I am is to help you understand my stream of consciousness and why I have come to the conclusions that I will discuss momentarily.
In any regard, aside from my generic commitmentphobia, my relationships did not continue and I was all of a sudden thrusted back into the "dating market" about 3.5 years ago. Now slightly older and with a child, I was surprised by the way men approached me all of a sudden.
Taking in mind, I was always the one that was romantically shy and was generally not considered a "hottie" in high school, I had a lot of male friends after the age of 17. I recall very clearly having a crush on many guys and them hanging out with me often yet talk about ....other girls. I figured that since "trust building" and developing friendships with men was essential to my emotional development, I never really made an issue to force guys to be my boyfriend and if they wanted to be friends, friends was all we were. I definitely did get hurt feelings by them not finding me attractive or being "into me" but friendship was of higher importance, I felt than visceral experiences. I still do to a large extent but regardless, now, all of a sudden, just under a decade later, my relationship building skills became "dated". Not "dated" as in dating, dated as in naive.
When I first started getting into internet dating, I mused on profiles about wanting a "lover". In my mind, this was a romantic gesture but what I did not realize was that men were taking me seriously. From then and continued on until today I had men asking me to be their "Friends with Benefits".
Hold on a minute. What? Friends with Benefits? Huh?
Confused, I tried to discuss and intellectualize what this all meant. They were not referring to my old fashioned view of what a "lover" was supposed to be, and they were claiming they wanted to be friends, but with "benefits"? None of this made sense. I mean, how does this differ from a "boyfriend"? My definition of a "boyfriend" was a man, who is a friend, with sexual benefits, no? Apparently not.
Now we can add to the list of confusing modern romantic and gender roles, new definitions of what friendship means, as I get back to my original topic.
I think, like myself, many of my generation believe in the value of developing friendships, keeping them, and not "burning bridges". This is why friendship was always more important to me and why, as best I could, I tried to remain friends with men I "went out with". Since I had been good friends with men before any romance occurred there was no reason we could not be friends, afterwards. But now, almost a decade later, men were asking me for something that just seemed impossible. Not only that, but I started to recognize that other men and women had a lot of male and female friends.
So, let's be clear as to what the modern definition of "friendship" could mean.
Nowadays, when someone says that they're hanging out with a "friend" it could mean the following:
Friend:
1. A person that one has casual sex with but is not technically dating
2. A person that one has casual sex and may be dating
3. A person whom one has been friends with for a long time without any physical contact whatsoever
4. An ex boyfriend or ex girlfriend
5. A person one may have, at some point or another, had sex with or "made out" with
6. A person one would like to have sex with at some point in the future
7. A person whom one likes but will never wish to have sex with
8. ? 9. ?
The reality nowadays is that we do not have enough defining words for what is occurring in the romantic sphere of life. Men and women's gender roles are confused, and now the role of friendship is confused.
From my personal opinion, I think that "friends with benefits" is fairly absurd. I think that if you are "friends" and you have a romantic life, there is no reason you cannot make that relationship into something more.
I think in general these types of relationships benefit men more than women, as men may get what they need in terms of a romantic relationship without actually having to commit to any particular women (again referring to my ideas on feminism and the emancipation of men).
I generally feel that most male/female friendship can or could become romantic relationships, and I cannot understand why they do not more often. From my perspective most men share the same capabilities and parts in order to make this happen. The fact that I am commitmentphobe does not change the fact that I believe in the idealism of what I say here: I acknowledge my own hypocrisy.
In any regard, I wanted to clarify a few points as to how I feel about men who have a lot of female friends, or women for that matter. Perhaps all these ideas are stating the obvious but from my perspective, if a man has a lot of female friends, I definitely hold it in suspect, as I do not wish to enter such a pool. I think it's great for men and women to be friends with one another, and I certainly feel it can happen. I merely only wish for some more honesty as to the nature of these relationships, and unfortunately our English language so far does not offer this.
As for the men who ask me to be "Friends with Benefits", I always tell them that truly in order for something like that to work, they'd actually have to "be my friend" and that can take years to build. If they do not understand that, then I try to make it clear by offering my hourly rate should they just wish to "have benefits" minus the "friendship".
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