I will admit. I was raised with some ideas of what love and romance were from Disney movies and other "make believe" worlds. Add some religious education and you have yourself a girl growing up to be a woman who believed that you wait to have sex with your husband, aka keep your virginity, until you fall in love, and then you have babies. And voila, life!
My life almost ended up being this way except for hormones and men getting in the way. By the time I was in university, it seemed that everyone was having sex, and I just felt fairly left out. Not that being left out is a necessary reason to do something, but it just seemed early on (actually as early as 12 years old when my grade six friends were apparently having sex) that these were things actually going on in the world and my ideas were ......bogus.
Look. Of course there are religious communities that maintain these particular types of ideals but now I will remove the focus from my personal situation and talk about the general picture.
We've already examined my ideas of how feminism has created many dilemmas for women, and men, so now let's look at how people are entering the dating arena.
I believe that, again, due to the course of development of modern feminism, and the loosening of religious virtues (the state no longer being run by "the church") we begin to see some great things: women getting more rights. People entitled to their gender preference, aka if you're gay that's ok! All these things are awesome.....
Except all of a sudden, with the acceptance of more grey lines in gender and relationship development and existence, all of a sudden "rules of engagement" are changing as well.
We've already seen a decline in marriages, and of course, this makes sense: once the religious need of marriage goes, really, what is the point (from my perspective)? But now, people do not see the purpose in monogamy.
I have been obsessively watching the L word tv series recently. I mean regardless of why I am doing this to myself (basically I just glued onto it because I wasn't interested in watching anything else and I like to see things from A-Z rather than periodically) I found a particular scene interesting.
The character new to lesbianism has a date and then feels a bit shocked when her new love interest says that she has a "date" on Saturday (with someone else). The love interest, recognizing she has hurt this woman says, "it's a date. I'm dating". She was explaining that when one is "dating" that implies "with many people at once".
Fascinating! A concise depiction of the modern era of "love" and "romance" and "courtship".
When I first entered the "dating" arena things were simple. The boy asks you to the dance and you're the only girl he goes to the dance with. Never in my mind did I think that when he asks me to the dance that he would not show up or end up taking another girl and not telling me.
So thank you internet! Now we have moved our consumerist views of the world to dating. I've leaped a few thoughts but sometimes I do this.......Dating has become an e-bay of individuals.
It's like this.
When did all this happen? I mean, I do not have a problem with the idea of "dating" a number of people to determine which is the person you wish to be with but when you add the excessive number of sex people are having, on top of dating, non exclusively, you end up with a fairly dirtied up situation.
Am I the only person in the world that still fears STDS? Or Aids? Am I neurotic because I do not wish to have unprotected sex with someone who does not wish to date me exclusively? Not logically, no.
I'm just taking many logical leaps, I know. Hopefully you're following. My brain doesn't always work from A-Z even though I like things that go A-Z.
At some point, I was a young woman dating one man at a time, trying to find the right person to be with to all of a sudden dating six men at the same time because apparently "times - a - wasting" and if none of them wish to commit, that's just what a woman has to do, so I have been told numerous times, by everyone.
And was this the case back then? Is this the case now?
People are using internet dating like they shop on e-bay and this translates into our offline worlds.
("That guy is too short". "That women is not attractive enough").
I go over this realization over and over.
But then you find someone you like. And you hang out. And you call them up. And you get along.
You're not exclusive though.
He's dating four other women, and sleeping with 2 of them.
And those four other women are each dating 1-5 men each. And sleeping with 1-3 of the 1-5 men they're dating.
And those men whom are dating the women whom are dating the man you like are each dating 1-10 women, some of who are sleeping with 1-3 of them.
And.... And..... And.....so on.
It's great we have such freedoms we can express. We can date whomever we want. But I find these ideas, once again, obscure and upsetting. It's not that I myself wish to commit to someone so easily but at the same time I find it amazing and dumbfounding thinking of the excessive numbers from the above calculations that occur when you start doing the math.
I suppose as a suggestion I think it's ethical to tell people the truth, i.e., "I'm dating meaning I am dating more people than just you and I am possibly sleeping with more men/women than just one".
But most people are not doing this, and it's a shame. I have always tried very hard to maintain my roots as a serial monogamous but it's just impossible to do, because no one else is doing this.
And without a basis or foundation of being monogamous, I'm not quite sure how people think they can truly end up that way.
(I am not pro-casual sex btw but I am also not con-casual sex and currently I generally tell people up front that I am not interested in casual sex relationships, mainly because of how many requests I get for this. It just seems way too impersonal and dissociative lately for moi but that's another rant...... I digressed).
There's a portion of reality that people are missing out on: the benefits of creating a substantial and real relationship with an "other" and dealing with negatives and imperfections between yourselves. I myself struggle with this acceptance of others often (but at least I am conscious of it). While an "other" can bring out the best in you, they can simultaneously bring out the worst and it is this reflective portion of relationships I think we run from in a fear of commitment (amongst other elements which I will discuss later on).
I unfortunately see the multiple dating situation as incredibly linked to a high divorce rate. Both men and women are actively and consciously acting and engaging in these behaviours with one another and perpetuating a future of whimsical and shallow relationships instead of committed and mutually dependent ones.
In the meantime, as a side note, as individuals we suffer greatly by not recognizing the benefits of commitment. There is not only a positive physical and emotional benefit to having a regular partner whom you can develop trust and dependency with; there is also an economic benefit to piling "resources". How many times have I heard individuals complaining about their small apartments or not being able to afford things. As most women and men can now work, they can also share in their lifestyle with one another. There are so many benefits that we as individuals (who are afraid of commitment) forget about as a benefit to being in a relationship. Instead we just focus on the negatives and our fears of what could go wrong.
I can't really say I have a conclusion to this dating situation, unfortunately - at least. Not right now. It's just too disturbing to even think of a positive outcome that the person you like, likes five more, who are not you. Even worse for me was the implication that my entire body could be infiltrated by a disease that is incurable due to a momentary lapse in judgement. Pregnancy cannot compare to a permanent mark or scar on your body; or even death. I believe trust is essential for a healthy relationship; and this is the unfortunate part that is missing from our casual encounters. It doesn't have to be that way of course, it just ends up being that way.
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