As a "thinker" I always would over analyze situations involving other people, from a very early age. I recall wandering around the playground, by myself, trying to think through problems - while everyone else played in groups in the playground. It wasn't that I didn't like to play it was just that I had so much to think about and the other kids were distracting.
Although it was around this same time that I began to realize or recognize when kids were not inviting me to certain parties. I recall calling some kids up and saying, "hey, I want to come", and they would be surprised and say, "sure". But sometimes there were situations where I was downright excluded.
Kids can be so mean.
I remember trying to not let it bother me. I'd just do my own thing. Find different kids to hang out with. (Of course the kids rejecting me at the time were often my own group of "popular" friends and this was just part of the ritual).
It was at this point that I delve deeply into the idea of rejection.
I cannot explain "why" but I had a lot of pride at a very young age, and I resented that the kids basically wanted me to plead for their attention. I just did not have this sense of desperation to hang out with them in order to do this. I was not desperate because I was happy being alone most of the time. Adding children to the equation was just this added "other" that was sometimes amusing but mostly a nuisance (them being childish and all). As a consequence, whenever I was rejected, I would simply......find something else to do.
It is for this reason that perhaps I have reasoned out a really great understanding of how this idea of rejection plays out in romantic relationships.
I really enjoyed the movie, "He's just not that into you". Sure, the ending was corny but the general premise is this idea that if someone wants to hang out with you, they will.
I mean, I have a lot of friends. If they're busy, I don't take it personally. They're busy. If I don't hear from them, I also don't take it *too* personally because again, we're friends.
There's no reason this idea can't also hold true for romantic relationships. People are human.
If someone likes you, they'll hang out with you. If they don't, they won't. Or quite possibly, if their lives took them in a direction that has made them extremely busy, well, you can't always hang out.
Now why do you feel rejected?
I will reference the movie "he's just not that into you".
There's a woman that had been dating her bf for a few years, and she provides him an ultimatum. Or at least, her boyfriend felt that she had - there was pressure. So against his instinct or desire, he decides he must go through with it, the wedding. Of course, he ends up having an affair. They end up divorced. She ends up devastated.
This isn't just a movie you know. I've seen it in real life.
Now, we can blame individuals for fearing commitment or misbehaving once they have committed.
For example, he didn't "have" to have an affair. He chose. He didn't "have" to get married to his gf. He made this choice too. My only point is that, in a sense, wouldn't it have been better if he had in fact been honest with his gf at the time and said he didn't think it would work? Then she would not have invested seven years of her life in a relationship that wasn't good for her.
And why did the woman have to give him an ultimatum to get married? As each circumstance is different, and all relationships are fairly unique, I do not wish to generalize. However it feels that when something is too forced inevitably it creates strain. At the same time, I do not forgive laziness and sometimes a bit of "tough love" and "pushing" is valuable. It all depends on who you're dealing with. As i've digressed here, my point is:
Sometimes the person you like, just isn't "good" for you, regardless of whether they're into you or not. And just because you're into someone, doesn't mean they're good for you either.
I'll give you an another example. A personal one.
I dated someone briefly. Over time, I started to recognize that it was very possible he was a binge alcoholic. He ended up cheating on me. I won't go into too many details.
But how it happened is now quite hilarious when I think of it. We were breaking up anyways. I do not take kindly to men who act aloof or cancel on plans last minute (or friends - aka you're not my friend if this is your behaviour constantly), so I was really just trying to organize an exchange of stuffs. He was evasive.
Nothing made sense. Then, finally, I get these obscure text messages and I attempted calling him......when a woman answered.
"who's this?", I said. I thought perhaps it was his sister.
"who's this!", she said back. She was mimicking me - wouldn't let me talk to him. Started to ridicule me. "He's MY boyfriend now, bitch", she said.
Although I did almost faint from shock (as I had never been cheated on before), I quickly came to my senses after about 4 minutes.
"Look honey. I do not know who you are, but you can have him. I just want the money he owes me and to deliver his personal belongings".
(On a side note, he had just met this woman with me two weeks prior at a High School reunion so I figured out quickly who she was and she was an alcoholic and crack addict, so the two were F**ed up during this conversation - which is why she did not make any sense and why he would not get on the phone).
I never got to see him in person. She never let me speak to him. The exchange happened without ever seeing him. Later on, I discovered that not only had he lost his job, he had lied about his new career, was a binge alcoholic; he was also potentially manic depressive. Basically, our "relationship" was a lie.
Wow, what a catch, eh???
Are you getting my point?
I believe that people tell you who they are pretty quickly and you need to decide whether that person is good for you OR bad. We all do this, but this is no different in romantic relationships.
I'm not saying to reject someone for menial or small reasons, but listen closely to why they are rejecting you and be thankful they are. Anyone who stays in a relationship out of a sense of guilt (rather than duty and a deeper appreciation of the other) is going to start abusing you in some way or another, long term. They'll either take you for granted, mistreat you, or something else.
Why?
Because they do not respect themselves enough to be honest with themselves, let alone you.
You do yourself no favours by trying to force things. You do yourself no favours by dwelling on rejections.
In other words, if a person is "rejecting" you, they're actually doing you a favour. If you desperately start pandering to their needs and wants, this just encourages them to walk all over you. It's a fine line between "pursuing" someone and/or a friendship and desperately clinging to someone that is unhealthy and or toxic. We all have to make these decisions but basically I have really great connections with individuals, and we have remained friends. You can't force a romantic connection with someone. You can't force a friendship. People are going to do whatever they want.
Not everyone can get along with one another, and trust me, rather than be married to a binge alcoholic crack using cheater, you're better off to just ...let it go. Let people's inability to be what you need - go.
And in good news, the faster you can let things go and not take rejection personally, the easier it is to move forward with your life.
After this whole affair, I asked my mother, and she's a hippy, "how long do you think one should wait before pursuing another relationship after a break up?", and she said, "one day". I asked my father, who is very conservative and still married to my step mother and frankly, who never would have left my mother but would have just lived with their differences, the same question: "Dad, how long do you think one should wait before pursuing another relationship after a break up?".
His answer?
"20 minutes".
Thanks crack guy, for not wasting any more of my precious life. Thank you for rejecting and mistreating me sooner than later.
P.S. Please do not mistake my desire for people not to mistreat you as a desire to use every possible excuse in the book for not committing; or to view every possible issue or problem in a relationship as a "red flag". Take in mind, crack binge alcoholic guy showed up hungover on our first date. Now - that's a real red flag I ignored........
No comments:
Post a Comment