How being “single” is the norm?

I’m curious if a long time ago when humans were still quite animal like running around the planet like wild apes, if they at any point would look at another human ape creature and think to themselves, “why doesn’t that human ape have a husband? Or a nice cave or hut to dwell in”? 

I’d hate to argue on behalf of polygamists in saying that humans were not meant to be in monogamous relationships.

Let’s say that although I believe humans are still animals to a large extent, behaving in animal ways, and although I support the idea of monogamy (more on the basis of trust and friendship than in religious idealisms), that there are large arguments against the idea of conventional relationships.

Trying to start this again.

When I was 5, I enjoyed playing in the playground with my friends. Kids did not “hook up”. It seemed normal to go to school and come back, without a companion. In fact, if we had any companions at all, they may be a “bestie” or there may be a small pack of “besties”. 

Only as we age and gain some sexual maturity or desires do we consider looking towards others for sexual gain and emotional gratification, or other things - filling the void within ourselves.

But at what point did “being in a relationship” become the norm?

My argument lately is that while a lot of friends I know are in relationships, I do consider things long term. So, I have some single independent female friends. They earn their own money. They have a place to live. They support themselves. They have friends occasionally they have lovers......

They look at other women or men in relationships or marriages and think to themselves that they’re not the norm. But in reality there are a lot of single people, and a lot of them are single out of choice.

It’s not like 50 years ago, or even 30 years ago when individuals felt pressured to marry “whoever” just in order to keep up with the Jones. Now people take their time and are trying to find “Mr. or Mrs Right”. It may take this generation a long time to realize that the truth is there is no perfect Mr. or Mrs. right but I’m not one to discuss the importance of being realistic, for this posting anyway (given that I’m a self declared commitmentphobe and perfectionist, especially).

Now I think it is lovely that people are married and they are for a long time. But let’s be realistic.

People get divorced. People die. You could be in a relationship for 15 years and have your spouse have a heart attack. Life is full of unknown futures. Just because you have found someone does not mean they will be there, forever. (Of course let’s hope that they are for optimisms sake).

Now to make clear what my agenda is here is that I would like to say to all my super sad single friends a few things.

1. You have been single for your whole life, and you will always be alone. Learn to be happy with or without someone in your life. Even if you find someone that makes you happy, they can’t always be there to keep you afloat.
2. No one likes a perpetually depressed needy person. Let’s face it. Crying is unattractive. Pleading to stay in a relationship is - unattractive. Why would you do that to yourself? If you are dating someone and they’re not interested in you, why are you torturing yourself by continuing to call them up and hound them? Clearly they do not care about you, because if they did, they would make more effort.
3. You are not perfect. You may not be tall, skinny, or good looking. Most often I hear my sad single friends not only criticizing themselves but then ripping all the potential “romantic prospects” to shreds.

I am a sarcastic bitch sometimes. I criticize everything. I am self aware. I accept that I can be neurotic. I know my idea of vision for myself is not expectations I should hold onto others. I struggle with this understanding of the difference between standards I hold for myself and realistic standards I should hold for others - every day. But I know I am not perfect. No one will be. 

If you want the commitment, you just have to commit, pure and simple. That is not to “commit to abuse”. That is just to commit to someone that is decent enough and wishing to commit to you as well, if a monogamous relationship is what you want.

But let me just say that although I often desire a relationship, the past year I have been enjoying my solitude so much. I get so much done in my free time. It’s almost like all the years I spent with my very large family screaming at one another has disappeared and my home is now my tranquil space in the universe. I guess for an introvert my dwelling is my safe haven, my lair, as I may say. Since I enjoy writing, reading, and trying to self actualize creatively and emotionally, the free time, alone is just so wonderful.

Lately sometimes when I have people over, although I enjoy it, I get so very tired after a short while. I have reduced the amount of people I entertain at my house. And if I go out, I prefer doing action oriented activities like dancing! 

I wonder sometimes whether I am even capable of understanding what compromising at this point would be all about. I’m certain I could do it........but I’m relishing this time that I am alone. I know that whether I am involved with someone or not, I will always find opportunity and enjoyment in the time I have for myself, whether large or small.

After all, it is more natural to be single. We are independent organisms living separate lives. Most ideals about relationships have been super imposed upon us, over time, and usually by religious doctrine. Now that we have the separation between Church and State, what truly is forcing us to feel badly by our decisions to evolve in our relationships, from conventional norms? 

Boys and Girls by Blur