Wanted: new words to describe who you are
I’d like to get back to the casual use of the term “friend” that we’re throwing around and perhaps clarify what it is I believe in at the same time.
Example 1:
My one young male friend says that he is visiting with a woman he’s excited to be working with many months ago. Upon catching up to the story he continues to explain such a wonderful time that he had with his “friend” but that she had an item of his he was waiting to be returned. Upon closer analysis of the story, I asked, “did you have sex with this friend”? And he said, “yes”.
My question is, what kind of “friend” is this?
Example 2:
Another male friend says that he just cuddled and fondled a woman he recently met, but that he’s not really “into her”. This is just one of the many stories he tells me about, women whom he claims are his “friends” he uses for sexual gratification however he complains that he finds none of them remotely sexually attractive and would not consider any of them for his “girlfriend”.
Are these “friends”?
Example 3:
Someone whom I may or may not have been dating spoke of many women as “friends” and in fact had me hanging out with some of them at points. Upon recent investigation it turns out that he now considers that he’s dating one of these “friends” yet they had not had sex, last time I asked.
Is that really a “friend”?
Is it so wrong for me to ask that people use their words clearly and not be misleading? Perhaps the more people understood the language they’re using the more they would feel right in their own heads.
Now I will be clear about how I use words, how I define these types of relationships, and then explain my belief system and what I believe in terms of modern relationships, to clarify this for everyone I know, or should know.
If you sleep with someone they’re more than a friend
We do not have the right words for this in the English dictionary at the moment and I’d like to ask that everyone actually try to think of some new words. I now know that many of what I thought were romantic preludes to relationships were actually men considering me a friend and using me for sex. It could have mutual ignorance and using, and at the time I did not even realize it was happening except to feel some angst and upset when I found out that they were seeing someone shortly after me that they actually did call their girlfriend.
To digress, I once had a boyfriend in University. I had met him in High School and I found him the most annoying person I had ever known. I did not find him remotely attractive but I humored a friendship with with him casually in the hallways because it seemed like the best way to seem somewhat sociable. At the time, my “best friend” a girl who now prefers women but seemed androgynous or sexually questionable back then, and I decided to take a trip to Montreal. We were discussing these plans and this annoying guy invited himself a long.
The trip was horrible. He kept talking incessantly at my friend, I’ll call her Androgyny for now, and it felt like he was ignoring me. I presumed he had a crush on her, like all men, like all my high school days - using me to get to her or another really good looking friend.
Nonetheless, two years later after re-convening a friendship, it turned out that he confessed his true affections for me and we began to “go out”. Our first romantic endeavor together was not very romantic. We were hanging out a lot and I asked him if we were “going out”. He looked at me sort of excited and asked if I wanted to be going out, and so I said, “sure we can try” and that was that.
But he slowly became disenchanted with my true nature. I had a high libido and bad relationship skills. I rarely called him to chit chat and when he held my hand I would rip it away.
I suppose the objective in talking about this past experience is that while my initial experiences with men I preferred to be “gender neutral” and so “having romantic involvement” (aka sexual encounters) with “friends” seemed more normal. It’s only after experiencing a (what I thought to be) real love did I realize how much I enjoyed the tenderness of sensuality and affection in relationships, and my “walls” to being more emotionally and physically invested in a relationship went down - a bit.
But now there are so man variations of “relationships” that when talking to people it all seems confused and I hate having to guess the true nature of these so called relationships. So now I’m back to my original question - how can we create a true language that is honest about the reality of our relationship experiences?
I clearly do not have the answers to these questions but I will tell you my definitions, or at least, my belief system currently.
These are the types of relationships that I believe I have. Please help me find definitions for them because I do not like the words “fuck buddy” or other modern emotionless terms
MALE FRIENDS EQUAL =
- Ex Boyfriends
- Men I dated who were not interested in having sex with me who became friends
- Men I dated who I may have had some sexual encounter with who were commitmentphobic and not interested in a long term relationship with whom I am friends with because that’s the only relationship I can have with them
- Men I dated and I became commitmentphobic for some reason or another but there are facets of them that I appreciate - from a distance - and thus we are “friends”
- Men who I never dated who never liked me romantically who I never liked romantically either who are friends
THESE ARE NOT MALE FRIENDS
- men who were once my lover, whom I dated in which things may or may not be over and I feel that there is a possibility for a romance in the future except circumstances may or may not permit it
- Men who are romantically and sexually interested in me
- Men who I am romantically or sexually interested in
- Men whom I’m dating
- or men whom I may be having a romantic interlude with
Of the above, I refer to ex boyfriends as “ex boyfriends”. Men whom I’ve dated who have become friends I clarify and qualify to people when speaking of them as exactly that: “men whom I’ve dated but things did not work out but we’re still friends”. Of the male friends in which there was never any romantic underpinnings I refer to simply as “really good male friends”.
Now for the lingering males who are not friends, I will generalize and say: “romantic interests” or “love interests”. For men whom I’m currently involved in I will say, “lovers”, or “someone I’m dating”, or a “romantic prospect”. I also use the terms a “crush”.
Now for the fancy word work. What kind of words can we create as an intelligent group of people to describe more interestingly what I point out here. I don’t want to be generic anymore and refer to all men in my life as “friends”. It’s just not accurate. There are complexities and I feel that they only reason people are using the term “friend” lately is to be shady and to mislead. While for myself, although I’ve had many male friends (now take in mind these are the ones that I have not slept with nor ever will sleep with because these are my definitions of “male friends” aka “really good male friends whom have no romantic interest in me and vice versa”) tell me that my experiences and definitions are way above average , I still feel that there can be some good in creating a more specific language.
Can you help out here?
Now to quickly clarify a few things, just for the record.
I do not believe in having sex with friends. I do not have sex with strangers and then afterwards call them friends. I merely would be happy to suggest that if a romantic relationship can’t work out that we can try being friends but I have very high standards to my friendship, and I expect honesty and decency which I find that sometimes cannot happen after romantic interludes. I believe that friends can become lovers but unfortunately for me I think physicality is important and although I may have crushes here and there, ultimately my belief system is that if a man is too afraid to communicate or physically approach me on their romantic or sexual interest in me then they’re too cowardly to deal with me as a long term partner. Although I hate the term “long term partner” this is what I believe and everything else you may think about me is junk.
I believe that we as individuals should commit to relationships. I think that being in a relationship is fundamentally better than being single. Being in a relationship is financially, emotionally, and physically more satisfying than being single, if you can get yourself into a functional and healthy dynamic with your love interest.
I think that I am a commitmentphobe and I struggle daily to fight against it. I believe in family and traditional roles - I want that just in a non - conventional way: I want something originally made by me and a love interest over the long haul. I am non compromising. I know what I want out of life and I can and will only commit to a person that I truly feel will be good not only to me but to my daughter and my family and loved ones as well. I am looking for a reliable and decent individual who will not fear me, as others have. I do not need to be in a relationship and if I cannot find someone I will always feel happy knowing that I have experienced and tried to love, and I have been loved and I will continue to be loved. I believe that having sex with friends is wrong and emotionally disjointed and I do not applaud that behavior nor do I wish it for myself. I’d rather have random sex with strangers than use a friend for sexual gratification without committing to them long term - as we’re already emotionally bonded.
Most importantly, I think that although I claim to be happy single I think most single people are miserable and they put it upon themselves, as I do, in staying “single” and that they should just try harder to be in a relationship with someone instead of thinking the “other person” should do all the work. No one wants to feel used and worn out. Make things even as you can, in the way you can. Although this has nothing to do with my original question, I just wanted to slide in my belief system in there. I know I often will contemplate ideas and throw them out there too but as I mature I find it easier to communicate my true essential self. Now if only I could communicate this better with better words....well that's why I asked you for help with that.
