Why Being Single is often better, or why commitmentphobes like it

Why Being Single is often better, or why commitmentphobes like it

(Warning **** this is not the original because I deleted the original posting by mistake so this is unfortunate and not so glamorous replica).

I am not certain why everyone is obsessed with being relationships, and I can understand why so many men are considered to be commitmentphobic, because I have been often as well – commitmentphobic.

It's not that I do not imagine that life would be more wonderful in a relationship....but I also imagine that life would be more wonderful if­ I had a bit more money; it would be more wonderful if I didn't have a few excess pounds. I wouldn't mind if I had a new car. I wish law school would have taken me back even though I never really wanted to be a lawyer, more like, I just really liked the show Law and Order.

Where was I?

Oh yes, fantasizing about being in a wonderful relationship.

I can certainly say that I have been in love. I know someone that currently makes fun of me and says I am incapable of loving and that all my experiences have been shallow, but I think this assessment is completely unfair, especially when it's coming from a man that refuses to date any woman older than 33 because he does not want to deal with the possibility of “wrinkles” on that woman too soon, or later on. (Yes, clearly he has the right ideas about relationships. Oh, and he is currently 35). As I was saying, I have certainly been in love and at the time I truly believed that I was in love, even if I was deluded, with the person I was dating with at the time.

{This is unfortunately where I lost the blog and now I will attempt to re-write it]

I mention the idea of having a new car, or losing a few pounds as an example how one generally fantasizes about having things one does not currently have. 

I think that the idea of perfectionism comes from not being able to find perfection, because it does not exist, and this in turn relates to commitmentphobia: that one can never find their ideal mate because it is not possible to find an ideal mate.

What we realize in our lives is often a feeling of aloneness and it is this feeling that propels us to wish to be in a relationship. Before I completely forget where my tangents took me in my first blog posting, I will say that when I first started dating online a few years ago, initially men would discuss with me quite in depth a fantasy relationship with me. They would never actually ask me out on a date nor really try to get to know me. In fact, on the whole, most of these men I found to either be unhappy in relationships or perpetually single. I feel that their online reach to me was simply to use me as a pawn in their fantasies. These conversations and relationships were mostly entirely online, according to their initiative, and more often than not, based on this idea that at some point in the future, we would get together for a torrid romance. Whatever the reason I had for entertaining these men, I believe that this type of behaviour was indicative of a larger epidemic.

From my position, which I believe sincerely, I was only humouring these men. For one the attention was flattering, and I was genuinely curious how far they wished to take these delusions of “our relationship”. I of course knew better. Perhaps on some level, I enjoyed them bringing me into their fantasy because it was better than TV. At the same time, I still find it disturbing about the state of people's attitudes towards relationships, in general. 

The fact that these men never actually approached me for a real date or to make their fantasies become reality, and that they often contacted me years later, is when I started to think that there is a relationship between commitmentphobia and perfectionism. I would often allude to the fact that I thought these men were just putting me into a role for their fantasy but they did not wish to give any of the ideas credence. Some of these men still contact me today, every few months, years later, scheming and admitting that no one has yet “filled their heart's desire” and that I was the closest they could imagine fitting this “role”. It is clear to me that no one person could actually full fill their needs. And unfortunately I can understand this.

How can we solve this problem of aloneness that comes from being single?

There is a modern belief in the Existential Dilemma, or an “existential angst”, that we are perpetually alone no matter what we do. I think it can be applied to what individuals experience when they feel the need to extend themselves and seek out a relationship – they're trying to fill in a void.

After many years of getting into relationships for the wrong reasons, I decided that in order to be happy in a relationship, I first truly had to be happy with myself.

As I mentioned in my first posting (which is now in the land of internet deleted black space), when I was younger, I decided to marry my 2^nd boyfriend. I was terribly unhappy at the time and he seemed to fill in this void. We could not be disconnected and we had what could be considered a “co-dependent” relationship. (Just for the record, I now do not think being in a co-dependent relationship is all that bad. In fact, I think it's essential). But,  at the time, I felt like he was too dependent, I could not live my independent life, and that the problems were insurmountable. Of course I realize now that being so young when we were together, I did not have the tools to solve our problems. 

I forgot to add a piece of this puzzle that flowed naturally, once again in the first post that I will now repeat) that I believe I am a good problem solver, and this has helped me in life and has helped me in my career. It helps me take care of a household and manage many projects. Being a good problem solver has helped me survive day-to-day. But unfortunately while problem solving is great for what I have mentioned in terms of managing life and a career, it is not good for relationships: people are imperfect; they make mistakes; and they have problems. For me, when I first got into relationships I did not have the maturity to understand how to deal or face these “problems” and since I could not fix them, I merely left them.

Coming back to my marriage with my 2^nd boyfriend, I soon realized that we did not share the same values on a number of fronts and so I left the relationship. This has happened to me on a series of occasions where I just started to feel like I was “putting in my all” and not getting very much in return. I had always enjoyed being alone, and for the most part applauded my independence and self sufficiency. Other people just seemed like an impediment to moving the way I wanted to move through life, and to accomplish what I wanted to accomplish, and this boyfriend , now husband, was no different.

(I admitted in my previous post that that I had a habit of probably rushing in too quickly into things and not realizing their consequences. I probably worded it more gracefully previously, but for now, I'll just try to reiterate it as much as possible).

In any regard, although having to re-live and re-learn from my mistakes, I had started to realize that I wasn't quite sure what I was receiving from relationships. It felt on the whole that I was mostly the only person providing any benefit to the “other”. I was tired of being taken for granted and this was usually the reason for leaving relationships, and it still sort of continues today. As you may have read in previous postings I allude to the fact that I now believe this has to do with living in a society that generally does not provide an environment for respecting one another and their individuality or needs, which just seeps into how individuals treat, or mistreat, their lovers or loved ones.

Now in my attempt to bring all these ideas together.

I originally mentioned I believed that the desire to be in a relationship comes from a feeling of aloneness, and only from being alone, do we feel that there is a desire to have someone else with us. And I tried to compare these ideas to the fantasies I may have about all things I lack in life, and now I wish to continuously seek out something to fill that void, e.g., a new car, some weight loss. I tried to say that the never ending goal of trying to seek out “something” or a “relationship” can relate to the idea of perfectionism, i.e., always trying to have something more perfect than what you have now. I described marrying my 2^nd boyfriend in order to fill this void and realizing that it did not fill the void. And then I referred to men who had used me as a pawn in their fantasies who also did not have relationships, or if they were in relationships, they were still unsatisfied and looking to me as a “principle” in their fantasy, when in reality,  I predict that no one woman was satisfactory and this is why I considered them to be commitmentphobic. I also stated that in my relationships, I often found that I was putting in most of the effort and not getting much in return.

Unfortunately if women are complaining that men are commitmentphobic, I hate to mention all the reasons for why I am. The truth is that I did feel like I was taken for granted in most if not all of my relationships; that these men generally had a lack of respect for themselves, and ultimately for me; and at a certain point I decided that I must be happy being alone first before I could be happy with someone else. What ended up happening was that I started to enjoy being alone so much, that it felt hard to truly be happy with anyone! I no longer feel the desire to compromise my needs or enjoyments. I do not wish to clean up after a messy boyfriend. I do not wish to be yelled at for buying the wrong groceries. I don't want to play pool on Fridays, nor watching the Hockey game. And I definitely do not want to go to a 100 acre home in the middle of nowhere and listen to a nouveaux riche family talk – shit.

I am tied between the desire for an other versus my own happiness in being alone. And after having been in a few seemingly bad relationships, I am definitely relationship shy.

I would like to say that I struggle with my own fears of relationships but the truth is, I can empathize where men are coming from more than I can with women who are in a high demand for a relationship. As I mentioned in my previous post, I was raised to feel that I deserve to be respected, like a man, although I am definitely a heterosexual woman looking for a romantic interest, with a man. I am not a man but my friends say I have “man brain” (whatever that means). I suppose I wanted to shed a bit of light into things I have thought a lot about; the relationship between perfectionism and commitmentphobia, and how ultimately we need to live in reality, not fantasies; and how all of these factors have actually made me so much happier not being in a relationship, for much of the time: why being single is sometimes better than being in a relationship. You do not have to have your life impinged upon and used and abused. I am usually actually really happy doing things by myself.......or perhaps these are still my excuses for why I am a commitmentphobe?

I wish that I had not deleted that original post because I think I brought my ideas so much better there, but for now, this will have to do. I will make further edits in 2012 if some of this doesn't make sense, or there are glaring grammatical errors. 

Romance is dead? Maintaining respect in a non respecting world.: The Subtle and Not So Subtle Forms of Abuse

Romance is dead? Maintaining respect in a non respecting world.: The Subtle and Not So Subtle Forms of Abuse: For people who are dating or self declared "singles" (I personally hate the word "single") there is a constant discussion of those who play ...

The Subtle and Not So Subtle Forms of Abuse

For people who are dating or self declared "singles" (I personally hate the word "single") there is a constant discussion of those who play games. For many looking at online profiles (for dating), one will read often, "I do not play games". This reference is not to playing sports. It's not to playing cards: it's in regard to "playing people". In social circles, you hear women often complain about men, "playing games". Of course it is not only women who complain. Men also on occasion will come across the same type of woman.

People who are considered "game players" are perpetually single. They are considered to be predatory, "hunters", "womanizers", and more. They are referred to, generally, as people who will not commit once presented with a more than reasonable potential partner/mate/love interest. What interests me more is not so much in how one is defined as a "player" but the significance of the behaviour on others.

I've read many books on behaviour. I can't really quote any of them. Some of them were intellectually stifling and did not delve deeper into issues enough for me. Some of them I read in an hour only to realize that perhaps 10% of the information was useful to my life or helpful to understanding the world. Most of it was fluff. One particular book that stood out for me was about how sociopaths are actually closer to us than we realize.

This author's definition of sociopathy were individuals who did not hold a conscience about their behaviour, nor have empathy for others. The only difficulty I had with this novel was how, I believe, we have a society that promotes this type of behaviour and views it as acceptable.

I would argue that capitalism and the state of the way things have developed economically have to do with a large state of much considered "sociopathy" in our society than we would like to admit.

Now aside from one's definition of "players" or "sociopaths", I'm actually hopefully not providing a clear definition of what I consider these to be, nor am I saying that the two are synonmous. I merely find it interesting this definition of others who do not treat others with respect and common decency. 


In regard to dating, when I hear that someone is considered a "player" or a "game player" I consider the context in which these accusations lie. For myself, I am usually "charmed" by these types of men. They are usually very charismatic, possibly attractive, experienced in relationships or having sexual experience, and highly intelligent or witty.

I once read a definition of manipulation and it was similar to this: Manipulation is an act of not providing the full details to a person in order for them to make a rational decision. 


When I think of "players" or "game players", I consider the above definition as to the art of manipulation and its relationship to respect. How I bring these ideas together is through my thought that one who is manipulative is not respecting you. This may seem like common sense except nowadays I find a lot of people lack interpersonal and communication skills to over-come such potential personality glitches and thus do not understand even basic concepts.

One who requires to play games and manipulate others is living on a plain whereby individuals are either there to cater to their needs, or to be pushed aside. It's a very subtle difference between an active utilitarian type of friendship (which I fully support) or a situation of being "abused" and or misused and mistreated for the benefit of the one in question (the manipulator).

Strangely, growing up I used to always feel that perhaps I did not have a proper understanding of how people interacted with one another. Now, after much time and opportunity to analyze these things, I've come to realize that we generally do not live in a society or world that respects, any of us. And of course, these issues seep into our personal lives. This means that I in fact probably did have an acute sense of how people should interact with one another; it just was not realistic as most people abuse each other in subtle or not so subtle ways. At least, that's my argument.

For example, I was once working for a woman who knew I had a child. By 5pm, I had to immediately leave my office in order to ensure that I could get to my daughter in time before her daycare closed, at 6pm. Although she would never seemingly keep me past 5pm, she would often come into my office and demand something last minute, and stand behind my desk and computer to make sure I completed the work, and or to watch me. Over time, this sort of behaviour I considered to be "abusive". For one, she disrespected my need to leave exactly at 5pm. She invaded my personal space, and she treated me as though paranoid that I was not doing my fair share of work, by looking over my shoulder to make sure I did the work she requested of me, and to also see how I was doing it.

Of course, this is just a working situation and I'm sure the implication that capitalism, as we know it, does not encourage decent behaviour from ourselves and to others is not news.

The interesting thing here is that most people would consider this type of behaviour, on the count of my "boss" at the time as potentially "normal". Now I am wondering what type of behaviour we consider to be normal in relationships?

If anyone peruses into past posts, you will see that I had an experience with someone I name: "crack binge alcoholic guy". Afterwards I wrote to some individuals on an on-line forum about the experience and one woman in particular had pointed out all the "red flags" that I refused to see. It's not that I actually find the idea of creating "red flags" interesting because I think that sometimes it can actually be exclusionary, but I like the idea of recognizing a negative behaviour that would only potentially harm you again in the future, if you continued to be in a relationship with that person.

I always find it difficult to read the line between what is considered the behaviour of an individual who is not perfect, aka who makes mistakes and mistreats you out of a state of human imperfection, versus someone who, on more than on one occasion behaves this way consistently which can lead to a very subtle form of a abusiveness.

Are they doing this intentionally? Does the intention matter? Or are they consciously doing this behaviour that is causing you harm?

So now let's discuss a list of things that I have, just now, decided are "subtle" forms of abuse and or a lack of respect for your person and what the significance of this means. So far, these are my top 3 "red flags".

Non Responsive
I believe that if you send a message or make a phone call to someone and they do not return your call, that is not necessarily abusive. I do think however that if it is used with the agenda to control the communications and it's not based on an actual scheduling difficulty, then it could be the potential for larger forms of abuse. For example, "I didn't feel like responding to you" is not a good sign. It means that someone is indifferent to your needs and does not respect you enough to respond right away. In my experience, I came to find this out as being abandoned in a hospital bed with no help from my partner at the time. If I had put the two together, that his disappearance acts in the past may be red flags,  perhaps I would not have been in that situation of abandonment when I needed him in my future. 


Critical 
I believe in a bit of criticism but where is the line. I think that the line is for each person to consider. However one thing is clear: although I may be critical of my friends' and their behaviours I would never criticize them in a mean way on the basis of how they look. So often I find I am being criticized by lovers or boyfriends that over time, I feel its attempts to break away at my self esteem. The only long term goal of this form of criticism is to empower the other who is making the criticisms. These are subtle forms of abuse because their effect is long-term, it is not short term.


Cheap/Not generous/Doesn't Share
Men often complain about women only wanting them for money but they miss a whole bunch of other factors and complexities when complaining of this. I will definitely be writing a completely other post and book on this subject alone. Basically, I recall going out with a friend of mine who knowingly was earning 3 times as much as me, at the time. Yet he insisted that we each pay for ourselves. I indicated to him that this behaviour was unattractive and if he was having trouble dating this would be one of the reasons. If a woman is interested in a man, she wants to see that he extends his care through his wallet. In a sense, withholding money is like withholding love and affection. This all depends on the circumstances of course but if you're interested in a long term relationship with someone, and potentially having children, you do not want to be in a situation whereby you're always begging for financial help from your partner because perhaps you're not earning enough to survive. The idea of relationships, in my opinion, is to share your resources and skills. So often people miss out on this very important point, and certainly withholding financial resources from your relationship is definitely abusive.  This also goes the same for women who earn more money then their male counterparts. I could stay further examples, but I do not want to embarrass any exes (today).

There are more but I have run out of thoughts for now. Feel free to add some!

What I am trying to get across  (albeit badly) is the idea that our larger global and economic conditions are related to how we treat one another in relationships, that we're in an abusive system, and consequently we abuse one another. I don't really have much of a conclusion. In fact writing this entire blog has been very painful. It hasn't come out quite the way I wanted it to come out. I wanted to get into more depth about the ways that others can manipulate you and put you down and how these situations can be so subtle...just ripping away at your over time.

I guess what I am trying to say is that some of these players that we consider so attractive and wonderful are ultimately abusers. We are abused by bosses who have been abused by a system they did not create who were abused by their upbringing who become abusers, and we abuse in relationships.

I hope for myself and others as well that you recognize "the game" and try to bud out early if you start recognizing any of these "red flags". They could be a sign of things that get much much worse, over time. More importantly, I hope that I was able to show a connectedness between all these ideas and how each isolated event is not exclusive, while in fact, they are mutually dependent. In an ideal world, if we were to start with how we treat ourselves, and each other, then consequently we could begin to develop a much better world, for everyone. That would be the optimistic spin of otherwise depressing ideas.

He wasn't Man Enough for Me by Toni Braxton