For people who are dating or self declared "singles" (I personally hate the word "single") there is a constant discussion of those who play games. For many looking at online profiles (for dating), one will read often, "I do not play games". This reference is not to playing sports. It's not to playing cards: it's in regard to "playing people". In social circles, you hear women often complain about men, "playing games". Of course it is not only women who complain. Men also on occasion will come across the same type of woman.
People who are considered "game players" are perpetually single. They are considered to be predatory, "hunters", "womanizers", and more. They are referred to, generally, as people who will not commit once presented with a more than reasonable potential partner/mate/love interest. What interests me more is not so much in how one is defined as a "player" but the significance of the behaviour on others.
I've read many books on behaviour. I can't really quote any of them. Some of them were intellectually stifling and did not delve deeper into issues enough for me. Some of them I read in an hour only to realize that perhaps 10% of the information was useful to my life or helpful to understanding the world. Most of it was fluff. One particular book that stood out for me was about how sociopaths are actually closer to us than we realize.
This author's definition of sociopathy were individuals who did not hold a conscience about their behaviour, nor have empathy for others. The only difficulty I had with this novel was how, I believe, we have a society that promotes this type of behaviour and views it as acceptable.
I would argue that capitalism and the state of the way things have developed economically have to do with a large state of much considered "sociopathy" in our society than we would like to admit.
Now aside from one's definition of "players" or "sociopaths", I'm actually hopefully not providing a clear definition of what I consider these to be, nor am I saying that the two are synonmous. I merely find it interesting this definition of others who do not treat others with respect and common decency.
In regard to dating, when I hear that someone is considered a "player" or a "game player" I consider the context in which these accusations lie. For myself, I am usually "charmed" by these types of men. They are usually very charismatic, possibly attractive, experienced in relationships or having sexual experience, and highly intelligent or witty.
I once read a definition of manipulation and it was similar to this: Manipulation is an act of not providing the full details to a person in order for them to make a rational decision.
When I think of "players" or "game players", I consider the above definition as to the art of manipulation and its relationship to respect. How I bring these ideas together is through my thought that one who is manipulative is not respecting you. This may seem like common sense except nowadays I find a lot of people lack interpersonal and communication skills to over-come such potential personality glitches and thus do not understand even basic concepts.
One who requires to play games and manipulate others is living on a plain whereby individuals are either there to cater to their needs, or to be pushed aside. It's a very subtle difference between an active utilitarian type of friendship (which I fully support) or a situation of being "abused" and or misused and mistreated for the benefit of the one in question (the manipulator).
Strangely, growing up I used to always feel that perhaps I did not have a proper understanding of how people interacted with one another. Now, after much time and opportunity to analyze these things, I've come to realize that we generally do not live in a society or world that respects, any of us. And of course, these issues seep into our personal lives. This means that I in fact probably did have an acute sense of how people should interact with one another; it just was not realistic as most people abuse each other in subtle or not so subtle ways. At least, that's my argument.
For example, I was once working for a woman who knew I had a child. By 5pm, I had to immediately leave my office in order to ensure that I could get to my daughter in time before her daycare closed, at 6pm. Although she would never seemingly keep me past 5pm, she would often come into my office and demand something last minute, and stand behind my desk and computer to make sure I completed the work, and or to watch me. Over time, this sort of behaviour I considered to be "abusive". For one, she disrespected my need to leave exactly at 5pm. She invaded my personal space, and she treated me as though paranoid that I was not doing my fair share of work, by looking over my shoulder to make sure I did the work she requested of me, and to also see how I was doing it.
Of course, this is just a working situation and I'm sure the implication that capitalism, as we know it, does not encourage decent behaviour from ourselves and to others is not news.
The interesting thing here is that most people would consider this type of behaviour, on the count of my "boss" at the time as potentially "normal". Now I am wondering what type of behaviour we consider to be normal in relationships?
If anyone peruses into past posts, you will see that I had an experience with someone I name: "crack binge alcoholic guy". Afterwards I wrote to some individuals on an on-line forum about the experience and one woman in particular had pointed out all the "red flags" that I refused to see. It's not that I actually find the idea of creating "red flags" interesting because I think that sometimes it can actually be exclusionary, but I like the idea of recognizing a negative behaviour that would only potentially harm you again in the future, if you continued to be in a relationship with that person.
I always find it difficult to read the line between what is considered the behaviour of an individual who is not perfect, aka who makes mistakes and mistreats you out of a state of human imperfection, versus someone who, on more than on one occasion behaves this way consistently which can lead to a very subtle form of a abusiveness.
Are they doing this intentionally? Does the intention matter? Or are they consciously doing this behaviour that is causing you harm?
So now let's discuss a list of things that I have, just now, decided are "subtle" forms of abuse and or a lack of respect for your person and what the significance of this means. So far, these are my top 3 "red flags".
Non Responsive
I believe that if you send a message or make a phone call to someone and they do not return your call, that is not necessarily abusive. I do think however that if it is used with the agenda to control the communications and it's not based on an actual scheduling difficulty, then it could be the potential for larger forms of abuse. For example, "I didn't feel like responding to you" is not a good sign. It means that someone is indifferent to your needs and does not respect you enough to respond right away. In my experience, I came to find this out as being abandoned in a hospital bed with no help from my partner at the time. If I had put the two together, that his disappearance acts in the past may be red flags, perhaps I would not have been in that situation of abandonment when I needed him in my future.
Critical
I believe in a bit of criticism but where is the line. I think that the line is for each person to consider. However one thing is clear: although I may be critical of my friends' and their behaviours I would never criticize them in a mean way on the basis of how they look. So often I find I am being criticized by lovers or boyfriends that over time, I feel its attempts to break away at my self esteem. The only long term goal of this form of criticism is to empower the other who is making the criticisms. These are subtle forms of abuse because their effect is long-term, it is not short term.
Cheap/Not generous/Doesn't Share
Men often complain about women only wanting them for money but they miss a whole bunch of other factors and complexities when complaining of this. I will definitely be writing a completely other post and book on this subject alone. Basically, I recall going out with a friend of mine who knowingly was earning 3 times as much as me, at the time. Yet he insisted that we each pay for ourselves. I indicated to him that this behaviour was unattractive and if he was having trouble dating this would be one of the reasons. If a woman is interested in a man, she wants to see that he extends his care through his wallet. In a sense, withholding money is like withholding love and affection. This all depends on the circumstances of course but if you're interested in a long term relationship with someone, and potentially having children, you do not want to be in a situation whereby you're always begging for financial help from your partner because perhaps you're not earning enough to survive. The idea of relationships, in my opinion, is to share your resources and skills. So often people miss out on this very important point, and certainly withholding financial resources from your relationship is definitely abusive. This also goes the same for women who earn more money then their male counterparts. I could stay further examples, but I do not want to embarrass any exes (today).
There are more but I have run out of thoughts for now. Feel free to add some!
What I am trying to get across (albeit badly) is the idea that our larger global and economic conditions are related to how we treat one another in relationships, that we're in an abusive system, and consequently we abuse one another. I don't really have much of a conclusion. In fact writing this entire blog has been very painful. It hasn't come out quite the way I wanted it to come out. I wanted to get into more depth about the ways that others can manipulate you and put you down and how these situations can be so subtle...just ripping away at your over time.
I guess what I am trying to say is that some of these players that we consider so attractive and wonderful are ultimately abusers. We are abused by bosses who have been abused by a system they did not create who were abused by their upbringing who become abusers, and we abuse in relationships.
I hope for myself and others as well that you recognize "the game" and try to bud out early if you start recognizing any of these "red flags". They could be a sign of things that get much much worse, over time. More importantly, I hope that I was able to show a connectedness between all these ideas and how each isolated event is not exclusive, while in fact, they are mutually dependent. In an ideal world, if we were to start with how we treat ourselves, and each other, then consequently we could begin to develop a much better world, for everyone. That would be the optimistic spin of otherwise depressing ideas.
He wasn't Man Enough for Me by Toni Braxton
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